Williamsburg: Still Snooty
Ever since Williamsburg was established as Middle Plantation, a fortified settlement, in 1632, Williamsburg has been known as an elitist place to live. Keeping with the traditions of their ancestors, the people of Williamsburg are still doing it. Building bigger homes, driving classier cars, dining in the finest restaurants, and in some rare cases, wearing expensive wigs. They’ve been doing this for years, but why? A-H-R takes an in-depth look.
In Williamsburg, there’s a tradition of excellence, a passion for perfection. Intolerance if you will, for the middle class and god forbid, lower class. This is a tradition that dates to when Middle Plantation was established in 1632. Deep investigative journalism by the A-H-R staff uncovered what the founding fathers of Williamsburg had in mind when they opened their first Outlet Shoppe in late 1633. Historian John Randolph Davis notes that an archeological dig in 1974 uncovered the worlds first known discount superstore 2 miles outside the city limits of Williamsburg, this find, in conjunction with the well known history of Williamsburg producing fine overpriced goods for their town’s residents and well to do tourists, proves that the town folk of Williamsburg have been trying to keep the poverty stricken folk out of their city limits for almost 400 years.
Local shopkeeper Richard Smithwick III, owner of “Ye Olde Wine Shoppe” when confronted by our staff, finally admitted that Williamsburg has always had a sinister plan. “Well, our ancestors did in fact sell cheap slave produced goods which they would sell at a 300% markup, while we kept the fine European craftsman style products to sell and trade amongst ourselves. But we only did that because we felt privileged and better than everyone else. Why would we want to associate and live amongst with anyone who would buy a sweater not made of cashmere? We got rich by exploiting poor people to buy our cheap overpriced products, we wouldn’t want them to see how much profit we were making off of them.”
Local Resident James A. Tamponious agrees; “How can you expect people like me to live amongst poor people? It’s bad enough they have to come to my mansion to cut my grass for $6.00 an hour and then moan and whine and expect a glass of lemonade just because it’s 99 degrees and humid outside, but to live and work and play with them? I think not!” he added, “The fact that I even have to pay for their labor is absurd, my ancestors got to use slave labor and I feel my bloodline allows me the same privileges as they had…. This is bullsh*t!”
But perhaps the most disturbing evidence that Williamsburg is in fact still of snooty ways, is the uncovering of “The Bukkake Chronicles” which were unearthed at The College of William & Mary’s Earl Gregg Swem Library last April. The papers, which were discovered in a secret room at the library, tell tales of debauchery of the male students housed at the Sir Christopher Wren Building circa 1810. The deplorable acts described mainly featured all the Senior male students participating in bukkake parties that only allowed for the busting of such exquisite nut on local negro slave (or Native American) women’s faces. This tradition continues today, however, usually by willing participants admitted into The College of William & Mary through merit or legacy.
