AWESOME HAMPTON ROADS

Local Abortion Clinics Hoping for Atlantic Fleet Deployment

 

Local abortion clinics are hoping for the rest of the Atlantic fleet to be deployed for operation Iraqi Freedom to stir up business to help with the economic downfall our economy is going through.  With gas and food prices rising, Dr. Donald Ellis, owner of “Dr. Ellis’ Happy Fun Time Abortion Clinic” really needs the Atlantic Fleet to deploy to get his business back on track before he is forced to close his doors.  He states “I’ve already had to take out a second mortgage to cover some business costs, if things don’t start to pick up, I’ll be bankrupt in no time.  When the Navy deploys I see a 218% increase in abortions from all the promiscuous Navy wives getting abortions after cheating on their husbands that are out to sea, and that means a whole lot more money in my pocket.” 

 

Local resident Tammy DeCarlo *, 22, agrees, “When my husband is out defending our country, I usually get drunk with my old skeevy neighbor Dave.  I talk about how lonely I am and we eventually have sex because he comforts me.  We never end up using condoms because I’m irresponsible when I get drunk and I end up cheating on my husband every time Dave consoles me.  On his last six month deployment, I had 2 abortions because Dave kept knocking me up”  When asked by the A-H-R staff what he thought of this, Petty Officer 3^rd Class Angelo DeCarlo *, 26, stated, “I could care less what my obese wife does to me when I’m out to sea.  After the birth of our second child she didn’t lose a single pound of baby weight and still weighs 250 lbs.  When I’m in international ports of call, you don’t think I’m banging the hot young local tail with reckless abandon?  Hell’s yeah I am, and I don’t use condoms either, but those girls don’t know who I am, so I don’t care if they get pregnant!”  Mr. and Mrs. DeCarlo both added that when he does come home from sea, they plan on having a 3^rd child because even though they are both unfaithful to each other, they do in fact still care for each other deeply and believe that having more children will make their marriage stronger, especially with the extra pay and tax breaks afforded to them by having more children. 

 Dr. Ellis is ecstatic of the possibility of the Iraqi war going on for years and years to come.  “If we are at war for the next 100 years like John McCain said is possible, I will be able to live easier knowing that business will be booming for years and years to come!  I have no problem scrambling babies and tweaking them with a vacuum-like device for money as long as my kids and their subsequent children will be set for life!”  

*Fake names have been changed to even more fake names to protect those fake people

Oceana Squadron Bombs Myrtle Beach

As many as eight F-18A fighter jets bombed the coastline of Myrtle Beach, SC on Monday.  The City of Virginia Beach claims the attacks are a stern warning to the Myrtle Beach Board of Tourism who recently raged an online ad campaign targeting Virginia Beach.  In the attack ads, Myrtle Beach proclaims that Myrtle is the ideal alternative to expensive Virginia Beach vacations.  “The ads clearly are a threat as they are going after that heavily sought-after demographic of families that find Virginia Beach a rather expensive vacation spot”, said Emily Johnson of the Virginia Beach Tourism Board.

Fortunately, no one was hurt from Monday’s bombings, as they were done just before dawn and only destroyed the sands of the Myrtle ‘Grand Strand’ beaches.  “We weren’t expecting this, obviously it’s going to take weeks and weeks of work and sand shipments to get the beaches back to resort form”, stated Todd Doodlemeyer with the City of North Myrtle Beach in an interview.  As if this wasn’t already a bad enough way for Myrtle Beach to wake up, Virginia Beach Mayor, Mayra Oberndorf reportedly visited the site someecards.com and sent the Myrtle Beach mayor a bitch-slap.  Both cities’ mayors were not available for comment on Monday.

Granby Tower Reaches 24th Floor of Invisible Construction

 
The finest example yet of downtown living will soon be reality in Norfolk.  Granby Tower is progressing wonderfully with 24 floors complete of the planned 40 story condo and apartment structure.  Recent years have seen a real estate boom of urban sprawl in downtown Norfolk as well as in Virginia Beach’s Town Center area.  Both offer varying levels of downtown living whether be it through apartment style condominiums, brownstone townhouses, studios or flats, but none so far have what Granby Tower will have to offer.  Invisible Living.  We’ve all dreamed of it.  Watched movies like The Predator and The  Invisible Man…  But how many of us can actually say we’ve lived in an invisible world?  Soon we can. 

Project Manager, Architect Daniel Fostieche says of Granby Tower, “There will be nothing quite like it.  No one will see the building except for those who purchase property within the tower”.  About 70 percent of the units have been sold as of last month.  A-H-R spoke with the Norfolk Mayor after a press appearance on Thursday… “For a while there was a rumor going around town that the project’s financial backers had lost funding and construction of Granby Tower was on hold.  I want to put those rumors to bed.  We just wanted to keep our invisible technology as secret as possible until we received a government patent”, said Mayor Paul Fraim.  “That patent is now secure I’m told”. 

The City of Norfolk applauds the bold architectural move as it should likely prevent crime within all the new homes almost 100%, however, a few skeptics remain.  “This all sounds good on paper, but if we can’t see it, how do we really know the building exists?”, says Norfolk Councilmember Fran Turley.  That vision Fran, will cost you roughly $400,000. 

Williamsburg: Still Snooty

Ever since Williamsburg was established as Middle Plantation, a fortified settlement, in 1632, Williamsburg has been known as an elitist place to live.  Keeping with the traditions of their ancestors, the people of Williamsburg are still doing it.  Building bigger homes, driving classier cars, dining in the finest restaurants, and in some rare cases, wearing expensive wigs.  They’ve been doing this for years, but why?  A-H-R takes an in-depth look.

In Williamsburg, there’s a tradition of excellence, a passion for perfection.  Intolerance if you will, for the middle class and god forbid, lower class.  This is a tradition that dates to when Middle Plantation was established in 1632.  Deep investigative journalism by the A-H-R staff uncovered what the founding fathers of Williamsburg had in mind when they opened their first Outlet Shoppe in late 1633.  Historian John Randolph Davis notes that an archeological dig in 1974 uncovered the worlds first known discount superstore 2 miles outside the city limits of Williamsburg, this find, in conjunction with the well known history of Williamsburg producing fine overpriced goods for their town’s residents and well to do tourists, proves that the town folk of Williamsburg have been trying to keep the poverty stricken folk out of their city limits for almost 400 years. 

Local shopkeeper Richard Smithwick III, owner of “Ye Olde Wine Shoppe” when confronted by our staff, finally admitted that Williamsburg has always had a sinister plan.  “Well, our ancestors did in fact sell cheap slave produced goods which they would sell at a 300% markup, while we kept the fine European craftsman style products to sell and trade amongst ourselves.  But we only did that because we felt privileged and better than everyone else.  Why would we want to associate and live amongst with anyone who would buy a sweater not made of cashmere?  We got rich by exploiting poor people to buy our cheap overpriced products, we wouldn’t want them to see how much profit we were making off of them.”

Local Resident James A. Tamponious agrees; “How can you expect people like me to live amongst poor people?  It’s bad enough they have to come to my mansion to cut my grass for $6.00 an hour and then moan and whine and expect a glass of lemonade just because it’s 99 degrees and humid outside, but to live and work and play with them?  I think not!” he added, “The fact that I even have to pay for their labor is absurd, my ancestors got to use slave labor and I feel my bloodline allows me the same privileges as they had…. This is bullsh*t!”

But perhaps the most disturbing evidence that Williamsburg is in fact still of snooty ways, is the uncovering of “The Bukkake Chronicles” which were unearthed at The College of William & Mary’s Earl Gregg Swem Library last April.  The papers, which were discovered in a secret room at the library, tell tales of debauchery of the male students housed at the Sir Christopher Wren Building circa 1810.  The deplorable acts described mainly featured all the Senior male students participating in bukkake parties that only allowed for the busting of such exquisite nut on local negro slave (or Native American) women’s faces.  This tradition continues today, however, usually by willing participants admitted into The College of William & Mary through merit or legacy.

2,432 Tornadoes Headed for Hampton Roads

- Weather Bulletin: The National Weather Service in Wakefield has reported over 200 dozen tornadoes are headed for our area. This highly-defined storm system has been picking up steam since it converged into the jet stream early Sunday. Don Reisenhundt of the NWS tells us that while Hampton Roads will feel the effects, “Most of the bad parts of the storm system are expected only to hurt areas of Northeastern North Carolina such as Perquimians, Bertie and Chowan counties as well as various other places you only hear of when bad weather comes around.”

All of the twisters are currently still up in the atmosphere, however, they are expected to begin touching down just after they cross the I-95 corridor. Jacob Stastney, a Highway Supervisor for VDOT in Suffolk added, “We’re just taking all the precautions necessary right now. It just comes with the territory of being in Hampton Roads in May. You know, tornado alley.” In Virginia Beach, CBN televangelist, Pat Robertson claimed the area’s recent tornadic activity was a direct punishment from God for recently electing a democrat Governor and Senator.

The storms are expected to hit the area around 5 p.m. this evening. Citizens are advised to get home early, seek shelter in a center closet or bathroom, secure lose items, wear shoes, bring pets inside and vote republican.

Priority Auto Group Spokeswoman REALLY Wants to Thank Her Attacker

Jennifer Brown, the actress that is better known as the Priority Auto Group spokeswoman in Priority’s TV commercials, was brutally attacked on Wednesday night outside her hotel room in Chesapeake.  Brown, a resident of Baltimore, was in town doing a new commerical shoot for Priority earlier this week when she was approached around 8:30 p.m. in the courtyard of the Red Roof Inn located off of Greenbrier Pkwy. 
31 yr old, James Stark of Portsmouth was arrested just hours later in a nearby neighborhood after a witness of the attack phoned police.  Stark is facing two counts of aggrevated assault with a weapon, attempted maiming, and arson.  Reached for comment late Thursday at the Chesapeake jail, Stark had this to say of Mrs. Brown: “She was real polite about the whole thing… As I was tying her up and sh*t, she sort of kept popping up and saying Thank You to me.  It was real weird.  I just hate that bitch’s commercials, and I recognized her, so I thought you know, here’s my motha(expletive) chance!

Stark was seen by an unnamed witness brandishing a baseball bat and hitting Brown with a flower vase repeatedly.  As for the beloved actress, Mrs. Brown is now released from the hospital and is expected to make a full, healthy recovery.  Priority has postponed their commercial shoots for next month to allow Brown’s damaged vocal chords to heal, which were damaged when her attacker shoved his fist down her throat. ”He told me I would never talk again, and he tried to rip my throat out!”, said Brown.  “It was a tramatic experience to say the least, but I still REALLY wanna thank you!”, she added. 

Rip Tide Frightens Children During Classroom Visit

The Norfolk Tides baseball team mascot, ‘Rip Tide’ paid a “friendly” visit on Thursday to a lucky class of 3rd graders at Princess Anne Elementary.  Rip Tide was asked to come to PAES’ annual “Spring Days Festival” which is held every May to teach kids about Spring.  Spring of course means Baseball, so Rip Tide was a no-brainer.  That was, until he showed up and only 1 member of Mrs. Gardner’s 3rd grade class knew who Rip Tide was.  Most of the other 37 children had other reactions.

Many of the youngsters began to cry.  Some hid under their desks.  Others were sent to the Nurse’s Office to receive additional care for various reactions ranging from shortness of breath to canabalistic rage.  9 year old Cody Bates said of Rip Tide, “My parents had season tickets to the Tides last year, so I know who Rip Tide is.  He does funny things and I like it when he rides on the dirt bike between innings.”  Fighting back tears, 8 year old Mandy Higgins had something a little different to say of Rip’s visit, “He was big and blue and scary.  One of his eyes is falling off I think.” 

In an important lesson about corporate sponsorships, Rip Tide gave out free t-shirts to the entire class, but most of the students quickly tied the shirts together to build a fort to hide in, in hopes that the mascot would not be able to see them.  “It’s a real unfortunate thing”, said Scott MacGregor of the Norfolk Tides marketing office.  “We tend to forget that most kids freak out and get scared the first 3 or 4 times they see Rip, but usually by that 4th or 5th time, they’re able to really enjoy a fun experience at Harbor Park.” 

The Tides face Lousville tonight at Harbor Park.  Game time is 7:15.

Welcome to Awesome Hampton Roads

- Your source for not-so-real news in Hampton Roads.  More to come…