AWESOME HAMPTON ROADS

Time for Weirdos to go Hop Into the 38 Degree Ocean Again

This Saturday a bunch of horny old men, young activist women and gay chicken-bottoms will once again converge on the Virginia Beach oceanfront for the annual Polar Plunge.  This is a Special Olympics benefit that brings a large assortment of presto-strangos to the frigid winter waters of the Atlantic to show off their ”pure craziness” for willing to take a dip in the arctic freeze.  But this is more than a mere philanthropic opportunity to get seen on the 6 o’clock News…  This is a full on showcase of nuttieness.  An opportunity for someone to show off their sweet new pig costume or to baptise their retro throwback Yip Yip Alien costume, Yeah remember the Yip Yip Aliens from Sesame Street?  These people have their costumes, so no doubt are they cooler than you and far more hip.  We caught up with some willing participants for this year’s plunge at a local grocery store this past week during an open registration event.  Jody Francis, 25 of Norfolk had this to say; “I don’t care what the cause is really, I just want to show my support. Plus I just bought this cool stuffed monkey with velcro hands to wear around my neck”.  49 year old Beach resident, Michael Turgeon said he was “most excited to show the world he’s not ashamed of his thick back hair”.  Others were there just to get on television to show their own agenda.  “I’m wearing a giant bloody puppy outfit into the ocean on Saturday because I want the world to know that animal abuse is wrong and something must be done”, stated Cindy Taylor of Chesapeake, a PETA employee, unaware of the irony that this is a Special Olympics benefit.  “I’m looking for some young male talent in the slippery waters”, spewed Beach resident Bruce Buford.  “I hope to find a very hairy bear to call my daddio” added 19 year old ODU student Chad Quiverly.  Whatever it is your looking for, you’re sure to find it at this year’s Polar Plunge, unless of course it’s a conversation with a normal person.

Some Humorous Comedian to Appear at VB Funny Bone

The Virginia Beach Funny Bone Comedy Club & Restaurant announced today that this weekend a funny comedian from something you may have seen before will be performing live.  Come out and see them tell jokes and real “raw” material from your favorite show or what-have-you!  You’re guaranteed to remember this comedian from their appearances on Comedy Central’s Premium Blend and regular appearances on Jay Leno and Conan O’Brien.  They may have even been on an episode of Mad TV once.  This comedian’s uncanny ability to reach deep into his heart full of raw, emotion and relate his unique life experiences will make you laugh and truly be a night to remember.  You’ll shit your pants and if you don’t shit your pants you get your money back.  Call 213-5555 for reservations.

Vivo Cucina Finds 23rd Location to Fail At

Todd Marcianto has been around the block a few times.  He knows a thing or two about the restaurant business.  Among them, recooking microwave Italian dishes and closing doors.  Vivo Cucina, a dream of Marcianto first opened its doors in 1997 at its original location in the Hilltop Shopping Center in Virginia Beach as a local Italian family-style bistro.  Marcianto designed his establishment with national-chainlike characteristics in hopes that he could quickly franchise Vivo out across the U.S.  Instead, he found that he had chosen a poor location, overestimating the market for faux-authentic Italian food served in a pergatory-esque setting with Sutter Home wines.  He has since opened and closed Vivo Cucina 22 times in the past 10 years in different sections of Virginia Beach and Chesapeake.  “The first rule to having a successful restaurant is Location, Location, Location… anyone will tell you that”, says Marcianto.  “I just made a poor decision the first 20 or so times around.”  He’s sure that his newest location, a smaller retail space in the corner of the Haygood Shopping Center, just behind the Quizno’s and Chik-Fil-A will finally “be the one”.  “I’m pretty sure this is the spot that will work best for Vivo because a lot of people drive down this road and it’s kind of close to the Amphibious base”, says Marcianto.  “I suspect Navy Seals enjoy a good Italian meal”.

A-H-R was unable to locate a return customer of Vivo throughout many survey efforts, but we did send a reporter to investigate the whole “Vivo experience” at their newest location.  What we found was that the menu was still the same as it was at Vivo’s original Hilltop location in the late 90’s.  When asked if it could be his food that wasn’t a success rather than location, Marcianto became offended and asked us to leave.  As two members of our staff were ushered out the door, Marcianto told us: “You wouldn’t know real Italian food if it hit you in the face!”.  Holding the door open for a microwave repairman, we thanked him for his time.  The new Vivo is now open on weekends to better serve customers.

Regentrification Still Not Happening in Hampton

People with expendable incomes have been moving out of the City of Hampton at an average rate of 33 households per day since 1988, however, the city still has not reached an apex of crime and danger that warrants significant regentrification.  Hampton Mayor, Molly Ward hopes that adding a P.F. Changs and a Cheesecake Factory to the slowly revitalized Coliseum area will help.  “Hampton is a very central and inexpensive place to live in Hampton Roads with a number of assets like our beaches, crabs and proximity to the bridge tunnel… We’re taking many steps to try and attract younger Caucasian residents by offering free Wi-Fi and forcing bars to serve PBR and Blue Moon”, says Ward.  “We have several Starbucks and a new Barnes & Noble now as well”.  The Hampton Barnes & Noble location is the nation’s top B&N store for newborn baby literature and rapper biography sales in the U.S. according to The Consumer Report Advocate.

Local Thug, William “Tron” Jackson says of the movement: “These streets are ours son!  If they wanna bring in a bunch of crackers, just know that we (will) be the ones who was here first!”.  Tron isn’t alone in his concern over the Hampton turf.  City Councilman, Paige Washington Jr. disagrees with trying to attract youthful white residents.  “The thinking is that this will help our economy somehow, but let me ask you this… What white people do you know who shop at Fine’s Clothing, Bottom Dollar and AJ Wright?, That’s what I thought.”  New Hampton resident Clay Burton thinks Washington may have a good point.  “I only moved to Hampton because it’s close to where I work on Langley Air Force Base, I do all my shopping in Oyster Point or downtown Norfolk, especially since my Schwan’s guy got murdered in front of my house“, said Burton. 

Still, Hampton continues to make efforts to attract a younger, whiter demographic.  Earlier this summer, the Hampton Jazz Festival added singer Joss Stone to the bill.  Although Stone put on a very good performance, she was not received well and got booed off the stage and later shot in the leg in the Denny’s parking lot on Mercury Blvd.  Angela Davis, a maternity ward nurse at Hampton’s Sentera General Hospital commented that “there are tons of young Caucasian women in Hampton… I see them every day.  They just seem to have very big asses and a bunch of children”.  “A lot of them talk like they’re from New York, Davis added. 

The current consensus is that the city’s regentrification plan is still not working.  Mayor Ward plans to speed up the process next year by possibly adding a Hybrid dealership, a Trader Joes, an independent music venue and instituting something she calls “the black tax”, which has many civil rights groups up in arms.

White Elephant in the Room Actually Tony Mercurio

Restaurant patrons at the Hooters on Military Highway in Norfolk were nearly trampled on Thursday during a chaotic scene.  What was initially supposed to be a peaceful and fun live remote broadcast for ESPN 1310 AM from 3pm to 6pm turned ugly just minutes into the broadcast.  Police first responded to calls of a large elephant babbling about uncontrollably inside of the restaurant at 3:13 p.m.  Several witnesses say they were watching a baseball game between the Cubs and Brewers when they heard a loud commotion to their right.  “We heard a noise that sounded like a suffocating moose, and saw the large white elephant emerge and grab a microphone”, said Terrell Levons of Norfolk.  “Everybody got up and got the hell out of there!”.

The ESPN 1310 broadcast went on uninterrupted throughout the chaos as The Tony Mercurio Show could be heard live broadcasting from the location.  Mercurio did make one mention of the restaurant patrons’ fleeing, asking “where everybody is going?”.  Members of the Norfolk Fire Department and Norfolk Animal Control were both called into Hooters, but quickly identified that the large white elephant in the room was actually just local radio personality Tony Mercurio.  Officials and restaurant management then began to encourage customers to come back in and enjoy their meals, assuring them that things were safe.  Mercurio then finished up his broadcast (on the MLB trade deadline day) by talking about the upcoming Lady Monarchs basketball season for 2 hours and eating 79 chicken wings, 31 oysters and a key lime pie.

Who Stole Lasalle Blanks' Nachos?

WVEC 13 News newscastor, Lasalle Blanks got a greeting from some unwelcome company Thursday night at a local Beach bar.  Blanks stopped into CP Shuckers on Shore Drive Thursday evening to meet a few friends for dinner and a couple drinks, several witnesses say.  “He was standing over at the bar talking to some lady, and he kept leaning back to his right asking different people if they were taking his nachos”, said one bar patron.  “I thought it was funny the first couple times, but then it got uncomfortable after he basically accused five or so people of stealing his nachos”.  Several minutes later, Lasalle noticed that in fact this time his nachos had been stolen.  They were all gone, plate and all. “Lasalle flew off the handle when he saw the nachos missing dude”, said a member of the CP’s bar staff.  “He started yelling and cursing, it was a mess.”  Blanks then confronted a younger male customer at the bar and forcefully asked him where his nachos were, but the young man didn’t seem to know, according to several onlookers.  At about that time Mr. Blanks, anchor of WVEC’s popular morning show “DayBreak” reportedly dumped the remainder of his Yeungling Lager on the young man, calling him a “pussy punk” and stormed out of the bar.  “The whole place just sort of stopped and watched in shock.  It was very confusing”, said one bartender.  “We never did find the nachos, we only sold two orders of nachos that night and I saw the other person eating theirs”.  Blanks also walked out on his tab when he left in the heated scurry.  He owes CP Shuckers $28.50.  If anyone knows the wearabouts of Mr. Blanks’ nachos, please contact Crimeline at 1-800-LOCKU-UP.

Pharrell Growing New Recording Artists in NC Lab

Virginia Beach native and recording industry mastermind, Pharrell Williams (of the Neptunes) recently made news that he was having his own skin grown in a North Carolina lab that will eventually be used in a groundbreaking grafting procedure to hide unwanted tattoos.  What he didn’t tell us at that time, was that he’s growing more than just his skin.  A-H-R investigative journalist, Ansir Pickenbauer III uncovered this story last week: 

Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake, Madonna, Snoop Dogg & Diddy… the list goes on and on of whom Pharrell Williams has made huge hits for.  His witty hooks and charming looks add value to the already hip beats he produces.  But he may be even smarter than we give him credit for.  Pharrell has stolen DNA samples of virtually every star he’s worked with over the last 6 or 7 years.  A source close to Williams confirms that the producer is nearing completion of a full replication of Britney Spears.  “He figures she’ll be the first one to die, so Pharrell knows he’ll need another Britney to work with soon”, says our source.  “There’s an R Kelly on the way too, but since R got acquitted of 14 counts of sexual abuse I guess he won’t be needing a new R Kelly”.

Williams is quoted as saying “Imagine what can be done with three Justin Timberlakes… one for music, one for comedy and one for the press”.  While you and I might agree that’s just too much Timberlake, Pharrell is able to look further down the horizon and see the potential cash flow.  Rumors that Pharrell is bringing back a postmortem Johnny Cash have been proven to be untrue.  However, more realistic names are on his list such as Jay-Z, Madonna, and Chad from Alltel.  Clones of Kellis’ breasts are strangely reported to be on the list as well.

Portsmouth Man Arrested for Effingham

A 40 year old Portsmouth Man was arrested at 1am last night on the 1100 block of Effingham Street for doing just that.  The arrested, James Seabrook, a resident of Portsmouth was first seen around 12:40am with a salt-cured Virginia ham in both hands, “giving it a real steady back and forth motion with his hips” said a neighbor.  “I saw him outside with his pants down around his ankles and then realized he had a ham in his hands”, said 81 year old Virginia Derickson.  “He had pulled the bone out of the ham and tossed it over the fence to my dog Mitzie”. 

Seabrook faces 2 counts of lewd behavior and 1 count of public indecency.  He was not available for comment.  Seabrook purchased the ham at a local Harris Teeter for $13.79 earlier in the day. 

Norfolk International Lands Falcor Hub

 The wait is over.  Hampton Roads took another huge step in defining the region as a premiere East Coast metropolitan on Thursday.  Beginning in August 2009, Norfolk International Airport will serve as the new East Coast hub for Falcor.  The animal-friendly airline, first made popular in the fantasy movie Never Ending Story, will offer nonstop service daily to New York, Atlanta, Dallas, Seattle, Chicago, Washington as well as Phoenix and a large water bowl in Upper Fantastica (Falcor’s Western hub). 

 Falcor Director of Operations, Atreyu Gibson is excited to soon see his dog-like dragon aircraft in the mid-atlantic port city, “Nestled between D.C., Charlotte and Atlanta on the coast, Norfolk makes perfect geographic sense to us… its a good area with good, well-traveled people.”  Falcor’s other cities of interest for the airline hub included Spooky City, Desert of Colors and Johnson City, Tennessee.  Norfolk edged out a strong bid from Spooky City that included tax free expansion of the airport, but in the end it was Norfolk that Falcor felt more at home with.  “There’s a lot of water here in Norfolk, and our pups get pretty damn thirsty after a long flight”, said Georges Tenett, a Public Affairs Officer for Falcor.  “The cool breeze off the coast is good for their fur as well”. 

  Next month Norfolk Int’l will begin a quick one-year expansion to their terminals and add a new runway which will run directly through the Norfolk Botanical Gardens.  The expansion is planned to be complete in time for the first Falcor flights next August. Come next fall, it’s Take Arf!

Local Abortion Clinics Hoping for Atlantic Fleet Deployment

 

Local abortion clinics are hoping for the rest of the Atlantic fleet to be deployed for operation Iraqi Freedom to stir up business to help with the economic downfall our economy is going through.  With gas and food prices rising, Dr. Donald Ellis, owner of “Dr. Ellis’ Happy Fun Time Abortion Clinic” really needs the Atlantic Fleet to deploy to get his business back on track before he is forced to close his doors.  He states “I’ve already had to take out a second mortgage to cover some business costs, if things don’t start to pick up, I’ll be bankrupt in no time.  When the Navy deploys I see a 218% increase in abortions from all the promiscuous Navy wives getting abortions after cheating on their husbands that are out to sea, and that means a whole lot more money in my pocket.” 

 

Local resident Tammy DeCarlo *, 22, agrees, “When my husband is out defending our country, I usually get drunk with my old skeevy neighbor Dave.  I talk about how lonely I am and we eventually have sex because he comforts me.  We never end up using condoms because I’m irresponsible when I get drunk and I end up cheating on my husband every time Dave consoles me.  On his last six month deployment, I had 2 abortions because Dave kept knocking me up”  When asked by the A-H-R staff what he thought of this, Petty Officer 3^rd Class Angelo DeCarlo *, 26, stated, “I could care less what my obese wife does to me when I’m out to sea.  After the birth of our second child she didn’t lose a single pound of baby weight and still weighs 250 lbs.  When I’m in international ports of call, you don’t think I’m banging the hot young local tail with reckless abandon?  Hell’s yeah I am, and I don’t use condoms either, but those girls don’t know who I am, so I don’t care if they get pregnant!”  Mr. and Mrs. DeCarlo both added that when he does come home from sea, they plan on having a 3^rd child because even though they are both unfaithful to each other, they do in fact still care for each other deeply and believe that having more children will make their marriage stronger, especially with the extra pay and tax breaks afforded to them by having more children. 

 Dr. Ellis is ecstatic of the possibility of the Iraqi war going on for years and years to come.  “If we are at war for the next 100 years like John McCain said is possible, I will be able to live easier knowing that business will be booming for years and years to come!  I have no problem scrambling babies and tweaking them with a vacuum-like device for money as long as my kids and their subsequent children will be set for life!”  

*Fake names have been changed to even more fake names to protect those fake people